Joy Miller

So my Mom has cancer. Don't feel bad for me - I'm actually not nervous...the universe will NOT punish me by taking her away. Partly because I have good karma, and partly because it doesn't want to risk making me the ABW (for those of you that don't know me, I've been known to morph in to the Angry Black Woman). At first it was scary, but lately...it's gotten FUN! Yes, FUN! You know why? Because Patrick Swayze is a patient at the same hospital she's at! YES, Mr. Dirty Dancing is being treated at Stanford Cancer Center along with Mrs. Christine Miller.

Now, I have this recurring fantasy that I go to walk in to my Mom's room with a DVD of "Road House", a copy of the book "To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar", while simultaniously singing "Shess Like the Wind" - only I accidentally walk in to Patrick Swayze's room. Quelle Surprise! And he gives me the face that he gave Demi Moore in "Ghost" when she gets to see him one last time - and I say, "Oh, excuse me." And he says, "No, no, no don't go...stay awhile!" and we chat about everything, just everything - and become best friends.

Then when he and my Mom are both better - we have a big dinner party for them at some sort of summer resort in the Catskill Mountains of New York, he invites Whoppi Goldberg (my lone celebrity friend invite is Charlie Steiner), and everyone dances in celebration while I repeatedly yell "Nobody puts SWAYZE in the corner!"

So, in honor of Patrick's and my impeding friendship - I present

The Top Ten Things I would LOVE to ask Patrick Swayze:

(Please note that these all reference my favorite Swayze movies, if you don't love The Swayze, I'm not sure what's wrong with you - and you probably won't get them)

10. Do you go around calling people "spaghetti arms"? and when they look at you in distain, say, "I DID call Jennifer Grey that in a liiii-ttle film called 'Dirty Dancing'!"

9. Have you ever considered making a shirt that says "I was Chosen as People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive [1991]"?

8. Can you record yourself on to my iPod saying "Is that all the gusta you can musta?" so when I get tired on the treadmill, I can play it on repeat?

7. Can you call and ask former co-star C. Thomas Howell (and current radio show poker commentator) to teach you to play poker so I can run in to you guys together at poker events, therefore making my 3rd grade dream come true?

6. Were you jealous that it was Keanu Reeves, not you, that got to say "Vaya con Dios, Brah!"?

5. Can you really survive a Soviet invasion by hunting deer and urinating in a jeep's radiator to keep it running when there's no water around?

4. Do you have a sign over the urinal at your house that says, "Don't eat the big white mint"?

3. Do you ever wake up sweating after having a nightmare containing Keanu Reeves screaming, "I AM AN F... B... I AGENT!"? No? Ummmmm...me neither.

2. When someone calls you a cocksucker, do you always respond, "It's just two nouns combined to elicit a response."? Because I do, James Dalton.

1. Do you have Obama-Mania? Because that's a WAY better disease than this cancer thing! But while Obama-mania can't be defeated...I have faith that you and Mom are gonna overcome cancer.