Morry

My best buddy and I just placed 4th in a massive tournament on Pokerstars for a win of 17,000. I thought this would jump start my life but things have really gotten outta control. Pokerstars is everything in our lives. My roommate and I can't go to sleep before 2 am. At any point in the night I can login and see at least two friends danglin' in tournaments and cash games. Gambling problems are supposed to occur when you can't win and thus you sell your life (or body) for any chance to get back into the game. What are the psychologists supposed to call this?

In hindsight I've developed the top ten reasons you know you are addicted to Pokerstars:

1.) You refer to your friends as their pokerstars login names. Pele24, want a shot of jager? Danglelapsy you wanna hit the gym? Eddymack88 and Crunch97 are your best friends.

2.) After losing with pocket queens for the third straight time you blame your string of bad luck on women and ban them from your life.

3.) Your mom and dad accept that you're NOT involved in a gay porn ring after continuously walking in on you and your friends with laptops sitting in a dark, silent, basement.

4.) Drinks, fast-food, and sporting tickets are all paid with pstar transfers. "Crimsonkal10 if you grab me some chicken strips and fries I'll hit you with 20 on stars" or "Scotty33 you grab these double vodka cran's and I'll get you in that 6.50 turbo" - These are normal, regular, everyday conversations.

5.) The girl you were seein' cheats on you and you refer to it as a suckout.

6.) Your planning your next trip to the Bahamas from all the travel points you've accumulated on your Visa Gold Travel card thanks to your Pokerstar purchases.

7.) You have to set your alarm to get up for the Sunday Million at noon.

8.) Three of your ex-girlfriends complain after regularly receiving pokerstars propoganda in the mail from the time you signed them up for the 50 dollar "first-time" signup bonus.

9.) You refer to Pokerstars Spokesman Greg Raymer as your bestfriend: "well...I met Greg in Vegas... at Mcdonalds" you tell everyone.

10.) You think that wearing a Pokerstars pajama top to the bar that you bought with your frequent player points is actually a GOOD idea.

- Morry

Ahh Super bowl Sunday...a break from poker, work, and school. The day of the pigskin, chicken wings, toquitos, and a whole lot of yelling. This is man's proudest moment. Every male on Earth (minus some men in Africa, metrosexuals, and of coarse Manu Ginobili) have their TV's tuned in to the greatest 3 hours of sports entertainment. Think it's a coincidence the Super bowl happens two weeks before Valentines day? This day gets us through 27 Dresses and The Notebook. The male part of our world endorses this holiday full heartedly: During the Super Bowl week, Doritos increases production of potatoe chips by 10 million pounds. Retailers and economists believe that the Super bowl was responsible for 2.2 billion in sales of HD TVs. With a half time show called the "Lingerie Bowl" (*shakes fist at Fox Sports producers who cancelled heaven*).. truly Super bowl Sunday could be referred to as the national holiday of man...

The Party? Our entire flag football team chillin' at my buddies house.

2:47 pm - I finally arrive at Mykel's house and he presents himself at the front door wearing a Larry Johnson Chiefs jersey - Mykel's first mistake of the day. (many more to come) With only 30 minutes remaining before kickoff we jump into his car and make a hasty obligatory liquor store run. I black out when I reach the inside of the liquor store's enormous refrigerator full of cold beer. I'm not sure why I always black out in the liqour store. Maybe it's the negative temperatures or perhaps the blur of beautiful colors reflecting off the alcoholic beverages. What should have been an easy going 6 pack turns into a box full of 24 Coronas and me struggling to get it to the car. "I've been working out for moments like this" I proudly state as the box slips through my hands and I have to settle it on the ground.

2:53 pm - Mykel states that he has to run into Thrifty's to grab some chips and various other snack food. I decide to wait in the car. My imagination runs wild as I picture Mykel coming back to the car with a box of steak burgers, prime rib, and an 80 pack of chicken wings. Instead? The kid comes back with a bag of kettle chips and a 24 pack of toilet paper.

Morry: "Dude, what the?"

Mykel (in his annoyed and flabbergasted tone): "Morry, f*** off, I'm all outta toilet paper"

Not exactly the start to the Super bowl I had in mind.

2:55 pm - After arriving back to Mykel's house there's already 10 guys in the room watching the pre-game. Fox announcer Joe Buck has already racially slured something, Troy Aikman in front of the camera looks as lost as little Sassy in Homeward Bound 2.

2:58 pm - Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy appear to be reciting the Declaration of Independence. Man I love the USA. Can you say propoganda?

3:11 pm - Emotion is running high as this glorious game is about to start. Bets start flying around the room. Somehow I manage to throw 25 bucks on Tails for the coin toss (I win). My Buddy Milloy starts complaining about how we don't have the surround sound behind us ...There's kids in Africa dying of starvation and we're complaning about surround sound and managing to throw 25 bucks on a frickin' coin toss? Re-evaluation of lifestyle please?

3:17 pm - It's supposed to be kickoff. I knew this thing wouldn't start on time. I fully expected nine renditions of the American national anthem followed by more American propaganda and instead I get Jordan Sparks and her chubby arms. Mykel points out what we're all thinking: "She's got man arms eh?" A solid observation as I nod my head in agreement. Should her wardrobe assistant be shot? The cutoff, sleeveless dress was really the best choice? Grandma's christmas sweater wouldn't have been a better option? With all due respect I mean the singing was quite nice and her tone was soft yet sound........

and I've officially turned into a European metrosexual.

3:26 pm - With 73,000 fans inside the arena screaming and kickoff only minutes away I get excited and mistake the coin toss for a democratic debate. In confusion I start chanting O-BA-MA, O-BA-MA. The room full of guys gives me nothing but confused faces and silence. Carl: "Morry, you know your Canadian right?"

3:28 pm - Hall of famers Jerry Rice and Steve Young are part of the coin toss party. I watch as Junior Seau of the Patriots walks up to them throwing props, complex handshakes, and dats' like they've been involved in an orgy the night before.

Seau: "Yo dawgggggggggg....that Tiffiney girl was TIGHT last night playa........"

Young: *Noding and Smiling*

Rice: "Aww for real boy..... me, stevie, you, the hot tub, shit was wild..."

This engagement suddenly becomes akward as Giants Captain and Punter (How does a punter become a captain?) Jeff Feagles makes his way to the center. It's almost as if Feagles caught Young, Seau, and Rice in the orgy last night and he knows too much. Akward handshakes are exchanged.

3:34 pm - The game finally starts...

3:39 pm - Our first shot to Peyton Manning! We're 5 minutes in and its already happened... How many more to come? Take a guess.

3:59 pm - We're only 25 minutes deep and the quarter is already over. The Giants are leading 3 - 0. I've never seen anything so quick...although I'm reminded of a girl named Bertha and a pre-puberty Morry. That was probably too much information.

4:00 pm - A commercial pops up where Doritos has offered to give one singer a shot at fame. I always imagined Doritos to send me to the hospital for diabetes instead of towards a shot at fame. Smacked onto my television set is a Michelle Branch look alike named Kina Grannis with a guitar singing about puppies and rainbows. They do realize that men are watching this? I throw cookie bits towards the atrocity that is unfolding on my television.

4:04 pm - Another commercial attracts my attention. (I swear I'm the most easily bought consumer in the world). The commercial shows me Danica Patrick (an extremely hot female racer) taking her jacket down half way (like we're actually going to see her well...you know..) and then tells me to see the entire commercial at godaddy.com. First looking over my shoulder so none of the boys can see me, and being the pervert that I am, I head to the website www.godaddy.com to enjoy this momentous occasion. Seconds later I'm shaking my fist in the air as godaddy.com has cost me 30 seconds of my precious life. I watched the entire commercial that contained:

a.) Danica Patrick NOT taking her clothes off
b.) a bunch of wierd looking beavers running around randomly
c.) those a**holes at godaddy.com prompting me to sign me up for an account as soon as the commerical ends

Damn you persausive television commercials, damn you.

4:07 pm - Of the greatest moments of the Super bowl (no not the Tyree fourth quarter catch) occurs as shots of extremely hot famous chicks at the game are shown. Jenny McCarthy, Gisele, and Pamela Anderson. Milloy is so excited about Pam he announces to the whole room beaming with pride, "I saw her at the Canucks game!" - like this is some huge achievement. Hasn't she been in a porno? (not that I've seen it or anything)

4:10 pm - Toomer catches what is now regarded as the 2nd greatest catch of this Super bowl. He somehow stays in bounds, drags the back foot, and teachs me why some NFL football players take ballet. The balance, the percision, the focus.

4:11 pm - Second shot to Peyton Manning

4:13 pm - Eli throws his first and only pick of the Super bowl and I'm debating wether I'm on the View as I watch Mykel pour his emotions into the room: "YA BABY, THATS RIGHT PATRIOTS ALL THE WAY BABY" is blurted into my left ear (that I can now barely hear out of). God bless bandwagons...

4:22 pm - My left ear continues to be verbally abused as the Giants fumble the ball and Mykel blurts more profanity and rage towards the TV as the Giants somehow miraculously recover.

4:25 pm - Probably the greatest commerical of the Super bowl. We get to see a homeless drug dealer looking through a pay phone trying to find spare change. "The kids don't buy me from me anymore" he claims. The ultimate American anti-drug campaign has begun. "Safe guard your perscriptions, safe guard your teens". Ya this commerical will really resonate with the American youth.

4:40 pm - Here's another great piece of American irony. A commercial for obesity comes on and we're told that by texting "fit" to the number "4577656" we automatically get to donate 5 dollars to the Obese American Kids Charity. Apparently by texting to this number we're going to get kids off the twinkies. Does anyone see anything wrong with this? By sitting on our asses and TEXTING numbers we're going to get people OFF their ass? Wow, can't wait for this plan to fail and thus the return of Shaq to reality television with "Big Challenge 2". (Tell me you saw Big Challenge and Shaq trying to get American fat kids skinny? You didn't? Niether did 99% of television watchers! Yes, it was that bad)

5:10 pm - It's half time and Tom Petty hits the stage. Apparently the song Free Falling is a favorite to be played last and the bets are pouring in. Petty reminds me more of an Ewok from the Empire Strikes Back then a Super bowl half time show. How many doobies has this guy hit in his life? You'd still have to classify the guy as a beauty tho.

Mykel: "I wouldn't mind Tom Petty in front of a firing squad"

...then again maybe not..

5:33 pm - Our buddy Dave finally arrives and walks into a chorus of hisses and boos (he shows up late at half time). I feel bad for the guy but I have to support the jeers. Showing up late to the Super bowl is like showing up late to your wedding. Only difference is the Super bowl happens every year. Then again knowing me by my 6th divorce I'll be biting my tongue. Ah God Bless the prenup.

5:43 pm - I watch the Patriots destroy all chances of covering the point spread as the Pats go for it on 4th and 13 on the Giants 31. Lets play a game! Its called game theory in Bill Belichick's head (the head coach of the Patriots):

Option A - Lets kick a field goal from 48 for three points.

Option B - Lets go deep into double coverage on 4th and 13.

Conclusion? Option B is the best choice.

Well unfortunately Option B Fails miserably. Gamblers looking for New England to cover (-12) are losing their minds everywhere. Bucko just lost his mortgage payment. Timmy put his kids college tuitions on the line. I'm trying to picture the MGM sports room. A bunch of New England fans tipping over the hot dog stands (Crunch would be choked), pouring gasoline on themselves, and then lighting their bodies on fire? Sounds about right.

5:46 pm - Fox gives us a quick shot of some New England cheerleaders dancing to the 19th remix of Akon and Gwen Stefani's "Sweet Escape". Barnett wakes up in the corner: "Theres some buns" as he points to the cheerleaders.

5:48 pm - A close up of Eli Manning's face reveals a striking similiarity to Ron Jeremy in a 1970 porno. What a moustache! Attention World! The results are in! Eli HAS hit puberty.

5:56 pm - Tom Brady really doesn't have it today. I watch as he throws a pass a foot behind Wes Welker who still manges to make an amazing catch. I got fourty bucks on New England to win, these throws are unacceptable.

"**** u Brady, stop having sex with super models and start throwing the football properly"

5:58 pm - On the next play Brady throws 10 feet over Welkers head, apparently I'm being ignored.

6:04 pm - Barack Obama sends me a private msg on facebook reminding me to vote on super Tuesday. Barack and I have just become friends on facebook. I also rode the short bus to middle school.

6:06 pm - Third shot of Peyton Manning

6:08 pm - Fourth shot of Peyton Manning

6:11 pm - Giants shock the world and score a touchdown - Giants 10 - Patriots 7

6:12 pm - Fox is really pushing the envelope now. 5th shot of Peyton Manning; this time he's fist pumping. Fox in a surprising announcement states that: "they're not gay but they have a huge non-sexual man crush on Peyton Manning"

6:20 pm - Patriots turn the ball over on 4th and 7. Little berates Mykel: "Your favorite team in the last three months may actually lose!" To be honest, if the Patriots do lose, I'm looking forward to turning Mykel's Patriots scarf into ash.

6:28 pm - Fox shows John Johnson on the sideline who has been the Giants Athletic Trainer since 1948 - This guy actually looks like he could fall over and die before this game is over. My palms start to sweat, I'm nervous for the guy. I listened to Dr. Sanji Gupta on CNN warn me about an increased risk of heart attacks during the Super bowl. Gupta: "Combine drinking (check), smoking (check), and eating (check) and your heart attack chances only increase furthur." Bets are placed on wether its 208 year old John Johnson or me who's dying first.

6:29 pm - I look up a great article on The New York Times that features a nice documentary on our buddy, John Johnson.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/02/sports/02super.html?em&ex=1202101200&en=9027c84e053b708e&ei=5087%0A

This is an actual quote from the article: "He laughed, and his eyes twinkled. Generations of players called him - Mr. J, and they shared secrets and stories in the sanctuary of the training room."

What were these secrets? How gay did that sound? Was this part of the Giants don't ask, don't tell policy?

6:32 pm - Fox announces John Johnson will retire after tonights game

6:38 pm - Brady to Moss - TOUCHDOWN. 3 minutes left, Patriots lead 14 - 10. Everyone's thinking it: You played well Giants, but you lose.

6:42 pm - 6th shot to Peyton Manning in the booth looking tense and stressed.

6:44 - One of those sexy Victoria Secret commercials comes on. Thompson can barely contain his excitement. Blame it on the 9 beers but this guy stands up and points toward the TV as one of the hottest chicks on the planet is zoomed in on: "This girl's my girl, this girl's my girl!!!" Right buddy and I'm dating Fergie. Screw off; I like the way she sang Big Girls Don't Cry.

6:49 pm - Davis blurts out: "Does anyone understand we're putting a Giants comeback on Eli Manning?" - At this point I'm thinking a Giants win is about as statistically equal to me graduating within the next 5 years. At what point does being 28 in a first year class become uncool?

6:52 pm - The room erupts as Eli scrambles out of the pocket and hits his receiver (Tyree) 45 yards downfield for the greatest catch in Super bowl history. This catch was like Lance Armstrong dating an Olsen twin. You don't expect it to happen but it somehow does. How did that football not touch the ground?

6:56 pm - Giants score...and the impossible has just happened. Giants lead 17 - 14 with 30 seconds remaining

6:57 pm - 7th shot of Peyton Manning

6:58 pm - 8th shot of Peyton Manning

6:59 pm - Mykel is completly rejected. His patriots have lost. Little: "Don't worry Mykel, hockey playoffs are just around the corner, you'll be able to jump on a bandwagon soon enough"

7:01 pm - 9th shot and replay of Peyton Manning cheering

7:03 pm - Little stands up with pride. 12 beer deep and he's ready to express whatever he's feeling. "Come on blue " as he fist pumps in the corner. Everyone looks around akwardly. Little: "I feel like I'm by myself over here" - I'm fully expecting the guy to rip off his shirt and show us a painted blue chest with a huge ELI in white lettering.

7:04 pm - Top 5 Losers on Superbowl Sunday:

1.) Tiki Barber - Where is this guy? Puking in a strip joint? Under a New Jersey bridge?

2.) Bill Belichick - Have some class and stay on the field until the game's over. Imagine this guy's attitude in college during a one night stand.

3.) Bill Simmons - Love the guy but honestly, you jinxed your team with your weekly, "My team is the greatest team ever" articles every freakin' month. Now feel the pain and suffer.

4.) The Patriots Defensive Line

5.) Mykel

7:06 pm - Plaxico Burress and Mykel have something in common! Tears begin to swell in both their eyes.

7:13 pm - I announce in a "slightly" inebriated state that the Manning family is the greatest family ever. Move over Osman's. Eli "I swear I hit puberty" Manning, and Peyton "I'm all over your TV and in your head" are offically the greatest family ever produced. I need to find out what Archie Manning was eating/drinking so my kids can win the UVIC intermural football league. (I don't put my goals and aspirations too high)

7:21 pm - 10th and final shot of Peyton Manning, If I see this guy again I'm going to puke. My buddy Tom later admits to me that he had a dream about Peyton Manning Sunday night. I don't ask for details.

7:31 pm - The Super bowl is coming to an end. What a game. Belichick is getting interviewed and has the same amount of energy and life as me on a hungover Sunday morning. This guy is super depressed. I watch as he uses the same 4-8 word answer 9 different ways to answer questions from the media. Poor Patriots, poor Mykel, poor bandwagon jumpers, and poor Tom Brady. You all lose.

This is why we play, bet, and watch the game. At any minute, in any game, anyone can lose and anyone can win.

Milloy: "At least Tom Brady gets to have sex with a super model"

Morry: "It's going to be angry sex tho"

Ya, I'm not sure how Brady and the rest of the millionaires on the Patriots are going to recover from this one.

- Morry

Hey guys,

My name is Dave Morrison, I’m 23, and I’m currently a student at the University of Victoria in Canada majoring in English and eventually moving into sports journalism after completing my writing degree. I play mainly on pokerstars while hitting up local tournaments in Canada and the Northwest and I normally head to Vegas every year for the World Series of Poker since I turned 21. I met Gary Wise in Vegas in the summer when he came over the top of me with aces at the MGM Poker Room while I was drawing to a flush after the flop. I ended up folding but he slipped me his card and website and here we are today. I’ve been blogging the poker tournaments I’ve entered for about 2 years now. I’m a semi-pro poker player with my best cash coming in the 2006 World Series when I placed 112th in the 2000 buy in No Limit hold em’ event. Recently in Vancouver, a big poker tournament was held with the likes of Brad Booth and many other professional poker players….here’s the story, I Hope you all enjoy:

Location: Langley, British Columbia
Date: August 31st – Sept 1st and 2nd
Event: Canadian Poker Tour – Cascade Casino Poker Shootout
Prize Pool: 500,000 CND
Starting Chip Count: 5000

First off before I start this poker blog I’d like to thank Naoya Kusano for his continual support in my attempts to pursue poker glory. It’s almost like Christmas in August when I get the call from Naoya asking me if I’d like an entry to an amazing poker tourney. Trade in the tight red Santa pants for red cords, and the big red Santa coat for an Abercrombie shirt and you basically have a Japanese version of Santa with one big difference. Naoya you’re a much better friend then the man who I used to write Christmas letters to at age seven, I can’t thank you enough for your support. But enough of the Dr. Phil stuff..let’s get this poker blog rolling….

The Event? 1100 dollar buy-in poker shootout at Cascade’s Casino in Langley. This tournament was a little different from other’s I had entered because all you have to do was to place top 2 out of the 10 at your first table. You don’t have to beat anyone else – you just stay alive until there is you and one other at your table. Not so hard right? Well you have to do that not once, not twice, but three times if you want to win this tournament. It’s obvious you need a bit of luck to win this thing, but that’s poker, I was ready to play.

After arriving in Vancouver at around 11 pm, my partner in crime Bobby (Who got traded for Mykel just before the NHL trade deadline) recommends’ we stop at the Crispy Cream donut shop in Surrey on the way to the Cascade Casino in Langley. This idea irks me for a couple of reasons:

1.) My entire 3 months of hard work in the summer at attempting to get the things you people call “muscles” will be ruined with two crispy cream donuts and a coffee (yes they have that much fat..or maybe I didn’t work out enough)

2.) I can’t imagine trying to explain to Naoya the fact that we got robbed of our tournament buy in at the Crispy Cream Donut shop in Surrey on the way to the casino..(have you seen the crime rate there?)

After little debate I tell Bobby to bite the bullet…his donuts will have to wait..we don’t want Naoya mad and we have a tournament to buy into..

We eventually get to the casino and register for the tournament. Call me spoiled or maybe arrogant..but there’s just something different about the casino’s here compared to the casinos in Vegas. Yes, I do realize that the infrastructure in Vancouver is about 900 million less expensive, and there’s no random acts of gun violence across the street from you, but just the mood and attitude of the casino and its employees is so different then Vegas. In Vegas, if you wanted a chocolate edible pony with rainbow skittles, within 10 minutes room service would be at your door if you were willing to pay for it. At Cascade’s Casino in Langley..we needed a cot for Bobby so we didn’t have to pretend to be the Hanson brother’s and share a queen size bed. No cot was ever sent – by the time we realized they probably weren’t coming we called the front desk and they were all out of cots. Bobby built a blanket fort on the ground after realizing that I would probably reward his sacrifice later if I could win this tournament..

I toss and turn all night..(I never sleep well before tournaments) and before you know it – its morning. I get woken up at 10 am..Bobby informs me of a “cursed” roulette wheel that has already taken 40 dollars out of his jean pockets before 10 am. Casinos have no mercy; I shake my fist in revenge at the terrible wheel. Bobby then comments on how the air conditioning in our hotel room is cranked to below -40 … I tell him I just wanted it to feel like Vegas. Have you experienced the air conditioning in Vegas? The cost needed to cool the casinos down there must be worth more than Vick’s winnings in his illegal dog fighting ring. I was itching to feel that vibe for Vegas again. Bobby eventually tells me to calm down and I can do nothing more but to nod my head in agreement. I did get a little too excited about the air conditioning in our room.

All of a sudden its 12 noon, the tournament is starting and I’m sitting across from 9 men at my poker table. Two things I didn’t want to see at my table:

1.) A woman
2.) A young Asian male

Racist or sexiest you say? Hardly…but I’ve never won a big pot against a lady in any poker event I’ve ever entered. Jennifer Harmen (female poker pro) taught me how the “I’m going to rip your heart out and spit on your dreams” pain feels when her runner-runner flush (Two spades came on the turn and river to make her a flush) took down my set of 10’s (flop went 10/4/2 – I had two ten’s in my hand for three of a kind) in the World Series of Poker in 2006 when she knocked me out in 112th place in the no limit 2000 buy in event. I also got check raised by another elderly lady in the World Series in 2007 for a big pot that I eventually folded. I can’t make reads or beat a woman at the poker table; I’ve come to this conclusion..this notion could also explain my embarrassing love life as well – people do say the psychological aspects of a poker table are a lot like life…

The Asian factor? Once again, not racist – it’s just that my extremely aggressive style of play seems to be countered when I play with people just as aggressive or more aggressive than me. A stereotypical young Asian male is a perfect example of this. I find out later in this tournament that this indeed could be my Achilles heel.

Important Hand #1 – I pick up pocket kings (KK) about 3 minutes into the tournament on hand number 2 in first position. I hate picking up big hands in the first 5 – 10 hands!! I’m too anxious, too nervous, I want to chill at my table with a redbull or corona and let the table get comfortable to me. I have no reads on any players besides stereotypes and first impressions. The blinds are 25/25 so I raise to 225. This is not a play I generally make with kings as I enjoy limping with them in first position but my strategy is to play super aggressive with lots of raising in this tournament. I figure that if I get to show people pocket kings early in a showdown this would gain respect from my fellow players and help me to bluff at big pots later. I don’t know if the shirt I was wearing said “don’t respect my raises” but I get 6 callers with my kings. The flop comes Ace/7/5 and I check my kings knowing at least one person at my table has called this raise with an ace. Someone bets 300, I ask the dealer where the garbage can is.

Important Hand #2 – I look down at A/Q suited of hearts in 2nd position and just call 50 (blinds are 25/50 now) completely willing to call any reasonable raise before the flop with this hand. Grandpa “Joe” raises me in 6th position for a total of 250. My impression is that he is somewhat weak and I believe him to be tilting (throwing chips away in anger/frustration) as he only has 2900 left from the original 5000 chips we started with. Another person calls and I end up calling. Grandpa “Joe” picks up his dream flop with a board that reads Q/9/4. I figure my A/Q is good, but I love to slow play and I check my top pair of queens into him knowing that Grandpa “Joe” will probably continuation bet into this pot as he raised pre-flop and sits in last position. He fires 600 in about an 825 chip pot. I instantly re-raise to 1800, leaving him with another 1100 behind him and putting him on J/J at best. The other player in the hand folds and Grandpa “Joe” does what I fear most… “I’m all-in” he announces. Since when have I feared Merv Griffin? Did I get my hand caught in the cookie jar? Am I really leaving Vancouver in a record setting 30 minutes? (A loss here would lower me to 2000 in chips) I call and he turns over a disaster for me…KK..a huge 70% favorite over my top pair with an ace kicker. Maybe it was the extra tip at breakfast for my waitress, or perhaps the 20 bucks I threw Bobby for gas money but the turn brings me a somewhat miracle ace (3 out of 10 times I win this hand even with that flop) and I’ve made two pair. “Garbage” Grandpa Joe announces, “Poker!” I proclaim back. So I’ve already beaten him to the ground with my sick suck out on the turn but the river really hits him where it hurts as I hit another ace for a full house (QQAAA). The guy beside me: “Well you really step on their throat when you knock em down eh?” – you know it bud..you know it…

Important Hand #3 – I look down at Wayne Gretzky’s in first position (9/9). The blinds are 50/100 and I simply call the 100 again willing to call any reasonable raise with my pocket pair of nines. The gentleman across from me, (who looks like the prince of Arabia wearing Armani exchange clothing and rings made of gold) raises to 250 pre-flop. 4 callers including me. Here comes the flop…Kazaam (a reference to Shaq’s hit movie) – I hit lightening in a bottle as the flop comes down K/Q/9. Knowing my set of 9’s (999) is probably good here and wanting to disguise it I bet 400 into the pot. The Arabian Prince calls me and the other two fold, its trap time baby. The turn brings out a meaningless 6 (K/Q/9/6) and I check into the Arabian Prince. 1000 he says and tosses two red 500 chips into the middle like he owns an oil rig on the gulf coast. Could he really have jack/10 for a straight I ponder? Not likely with his pre-flop raise. I pretend to actually think about this for a bit before finally asking as intimidating as I can (which is about the same intimidation as Howie Mandel), “How much you have left?” He tells me about 2600…I fire 3500 worth of chips into the middle to put him all in. He pauses for a second (which tells me he doesn’t have jack/10 and my hand is good) and fires all of his chips into the middle flipping over K/Q for two pair. The river brings a two of clubs and all of sudden I’m up to about 11,000 in chips. Bobby is nowhere to be found, apparently lost again at the roulette wheel.

Goods hands but no action: I pick up A/A again and limp in 2nd position, the small and big blinds both call and the flop brings 8/8/3, I fire 300 into the pot and take about 400 worth of chips. I get kings again and play them exactly the same way as my aces; again I pick up about 400 in chips from nothing more than the blinds. I’m picking up monster hands but unfortunately I’m getting no action. I have about 13,500 in chips and another guy at my table just got eliminated so there’s no need to pull the fire alarm: lots of chips, small blinds, tons of time, I’m in good shape…until Chernobyl happens.

Important Hand #4 (TSN Turning point of the tournament) – I’ve been playing for about 2 and a half hours and I’m in a great state of mind. Toni Braxton at one point somehow sneaks onto my iPod shuffle playlist which makes me ponder for a second on whether my roommate Graeme Bollinger has developed a sensitive side or one of my Vegas buddies is deciding to come out secretly, but other than that things are rolling well. The Asian factor I was talkin’ about earlier? Well it happens.

A young Asian gentleman wearing a bright purple sweatshirt who clearly bought his wardrobe after watching the latest George Nozuka music video (Lie to me, Last Call) on MTV has continually fired huge raises pre-flop into our table for the past 20 minutes without receiving any callers. Our table seems to be just happy to fold their blinds to him and let him gather our chips. I mean, I’m not talking normal raises..blinds have risen to 100/200 and this guy is pre-flop raising to 900 or 1100 without hesitation. It’s not even worth calling to play with him unless you pick up a monster or you’re trying to be Jet Li in Hero. With blinds 200/400 I pick up my monster. I look down at two red aces (AA) in the small blind and pray that the “purple panther” will raise. (a nickname given to him by me for his continuous speed at firing bets and raises into the pot at a rapid pace and his purple sweatshirt). My dream and prayer is answered as he raises 1800 into the pot in 6th position. I have the best hand you can start with in poker but my demeanor doesn’t change. Timbaland’s “Scream” bumps into my ear from my iPod (which I am about to do after this bad beat) and I think for a bit before deciding to re-raise close to 3 times his raise (4400). I have to re-raise here because I am first to act (which is terrible positioning in poker) and I figure that after I raise this hand I will take the pot right there as I’m clearly representing a huge hand. The only reason I can see that he doesn’t fold here is if he feels I’m making a poker play at him because he has been raising so much and I’m defending a weak Ace/Jack or I’m trying to get him out of the hand with a weak pocket pair like 6/7’s or 8’s. Once again I swear my t-shirt says “don’t respect my raises” because the “purple panther” thinks for bit and decides that his hand is better than mine and shoves his chips (11,500) into the middle. Time it takes me to call? Quicker than my first time with a lady (I know – it’s hard to believe, that’s extremely fast). He flips over 10/10 against my Ace/Ace and I’m an 80 percent favorite to win this hand and will have a colossal chip leader with 5 players left. I only wish my poker buddy Tilly Vandoremalen was there because I could hear him in my head, pessimistic as ever: “Well there goes ACE/ACE getting beaten by pocket 10’s” predicting my demise before the flop has even come down. The flop brings the “purple panther” a MIRACLE ten and all of a sudden I’ve gone from an 80% favorite to a dismal 11% chance of winning this hand. The turn brings a jack, and with the board reading (5/10/Queen/Jack) a king would now win me this pot giving me a straight or I could still with the hand with an ace on the river for three of a kind. It doesn’t happen and I’m down to 1000 chips and developing in my mind a reasonable excuse for the Canadian Coast Guard if I decide to jump off the ferry on the way home.

Important Hand #5 – Three minutes later I get knocked out of the tournament. With 1000 in chips and really nothing for me to work with as the blinds are 200/400 I look at 7/9 suited on the button (last position). Everyone has folded to me and shove my chips into the middle hoping to steal 600 chips or even if I’m called I would probably have two “live” cards (Live cards are two cards that the small or big blind would not have in their hands as if they make this call as they would probably have an ace or at least a King). Gavin Smith’s lookalike (Gavin Smith is a poker pro) decides for another 800 it’s worth it for him to call with his Ace/2 and with the board bringing neither of us a pair I get to take the walk of shame down the escalator and out of the casino. Bobby adds insult to injury by explaining to me we were 20 minutes away from a free poker buffet. Get me out of here.

Not much is said between Bobby and me on the ride back to the BC ferries. After a poker tournament I usually go into another world in my mind and try to analyze every hand, every mistake, and every correct move. You could ask me simple questions about my life or what my name is and I wouldn’t be able to gather the intellect to answer your question because I’m so zoned out. For people that don’t play poker – Rule #1 – never try to talk to someone after they get knocked out of a big tournament. You’ll either get an extreme amount of rage thrown towards you or be answered in 2 word sentences that resemble a Chewbaccan dialect from Star Wars. Another decent run at a tournament and another exit due to a tough beat. Oh well, there’s always the next one..and if worse comes to worse I know Plan B isn’t moving anywhere fast, I can always drink my sorrows away with a couple of Shirley temples from bartender Jen and shots of Jager from Scottie. Victoria..Here I come…after a two sailing wait..and a small consideration to lethally gas myself in the ferry lineup…

I’m only joking people..

– Morry