When i wake up, I leave my bedroom, grab my meds, grab a caffeinated drink from the fridge, swig the pills, flick on my computer out of hybernation, look quickly at my e-mail, then go do the whole shit-shower-shave thing. Today, I found an e-mail that has me putting off that last stuff. Please, excuse my breath.

Robert Woolley is starting to figure me out. Mention me in a blog, e-mail me the details and I’m going to be inspired to answer and link accordingly. Clever guy, the Poker Grump. Go read this (but come back!):

http://pokergrump.blogspot.com/2008/02/cheating-at-poker.html

The Grump is pretty good at his cynical approach to the world thing, but I felt like this time he left out one very important word from the article, which I’ll get to later. Addressing his 5 points:

1) The mistake people are making with the Betfair situation** is in the application of ‘cheating’ because they aren’t breaking the rules of poker. Thing is, they’re allowing themselves to cope by telling themselves it isn’t cheating, but it is. Difference is, it’s the system they’re cheating, not the game itself.

**The site developed a glitch that had it spitting money out in Sit’n'gos to everyone who played instead of just the top three finishers. People were rushing into the tourneys, agreeing en masse to have everyone shove all-in every hand, then started funnelling illicitly-gained money off the site

Read that twoplustwo.com thread he has linked in there and ask yourself whether you’d have done the same, and whether you’re empathic to the frustrations of those posters. I’ll address this at the end.

2) Gary Wise mentioned? Check. Good man, that Gary Wise.

3) I’m not going to read that thread, but I know it would be long. Also, for a guy like me (and apparently Robert too), it would be depressing.

4) I’ve actually done the same thing as the quoted poster, but I’ve never written about it until now. Know why? Because doing things you’re supposed to do makes for boring writing. I applaud the poster for doing the right thing, but sure wish we weren’t living in a community and society where we didn’t have to boast by saying “Look at me, I didn’t…”.

Oops, almost left the cat out of the bag.

5) I’ve read Richard Marcus’ book ‘Dirty Poker’. It was informative, educational and one of the worst-written books I’ve ever read. Reading it was like swimming through tar, and yet I’d recommend it for anyone who feels like they could be a little better educated on cheating in poker, because the man knows his stuff. There you go, I’ve educated the naive about how to educate themselves, protecting everyone. Well, except for the truly naive, who will think they’re educated just fine.

OK, back to that word Bob left out. People seem to be convincing themselves –especially with the Betfair dealio– that cheating a person isn’t the same thing as cheating a larger entity, conveniently forgetting in their actions that every cent in the world is ultimately traceable to someone, be it the owners of those companies, stockholders or what have you. They’re also convincing themselves that cheating is a thing that only applies to violation of the rules of the game. That brings to the word of the day:

Steal.

(How great would it be if I could set this up so that bells and whistles and screaming furniture would go off every time I or anyone else used the word ’stealing’, like back in Pee Wee’s Playhouse?)

The people who took that money from Betfair didn’t just take that money, they stole it. That guy who asked for a recount would have been stealing if he hadn’t. We’re talking about a pretty basic concept, one that’s been included in every single code of law ever devised since old Hammurabi created the first code of law back around 1750 BC in Babylon.

Man, how often do I get to mention Babylon. The nerd in me thinks that’s awesome.

Folks, if it wasn’t wrong, there wouldn’t be threads about it. We know it’s wrong to take the $175 instead of the $40, and the temptation involved doesn’t change that even if you can conveniently forget it for a moment. We know its wrong to exploit a bug that pays off every player at the table. I knew it was wrong on the day back when I was twelve when I got caught pilfering a bag of Skittles at my local Shopper’s Drug Mart, and if I somehow forgot for a moment, I was sure remembering when the store detective called in mom. We know it’s wrong because EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET has been educated about theft, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US gets that excited, adrenal thing going on when the thought even crosses our minds. For me at least, that rush triggers the recognition that I’m considering doing something wrong. That’s why I don’t do it.

To the Betfair guys, to the folks who’d mock the man who asked for the recount, please, I beg you, stop fucking stealing (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!). It’s the same as lifting a twenty that’s hanging from an old man’s pocket. The worst thing is, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Do it enough times, and you’re just a disgusting human being, and you’re making true all those things people outside the poker community say about the folks within the poker community. Don’t cheat. Don’t steal. Just win.

Thanks for the wakeup call, Bob. Gotta go brush my teeth.

Gary Wise
gary@wisehandpoker.com